self centered or am i just my own priority?

i want the people around me to honor themselves the way i do...

my mom called me self-centered the other day, she tried to soften the blow by adding “you’re a leo”, but honestly i wasn’t offended.

if someone were to ask me in previous years how i felt when being called self-centered i would have told them it made me feel selfish like my presence negativity affected those around me; it felt like i was taking something from them, but now i'm realizing "selfish" and "self-centered" are very neutral words, it's the way one's actions affects others that gives those words a bad rep. now someone calling me self-centered no longer makes me feel selfish it makes me feel empowered, self-centered feels like the ability to put myself first, making myself a priority, it is like understanding what makes you feel good and having no problem doing it yourself, its being in tune with yourself and your emotions, it’s knowing your love language and providing it for yourself. telling yourself “i am dedicated to making myself feel loved every day dispute what could show up for me” and making that not only a priority but a ritual, in everyday routine, in a new situation, especially when you're by yourself.

as someone who has constantly put other people before myself the idea of becoming my priority made me feel uncomfortable. being the center of attention even with myself in my presence felt uncomfortable, i didn't know how to tend to myself in a room alone, how to make myself feel good if not indulging in the happiness of other people, as if i was only worthy when making everybody else feel seen, heard and understood. it didn't take me until fully focusing on myself to realize i couldn't do those things for myself, i didn't know how to allow myself to be seen because i didn't even see myself, i didn't understand myself because i never permitted myself to just be, without evolving, without purging, without change. i got tired of being a catapult of growth in everyone's life outside of my own, i was never meant to be a supporting character, i just allowed myself to become one because i believed that is what made me valuable. 

the journey to prioritizing myself

i stopped waiting on people to get my nails done, or to go out to eat, or explore the book store, when they felt like i was taking space i was centering myself, doing things when i wanted to do them not when it was a good time for everybody else. i started saying no to things when i didn't want to do them, i let go of the fear of missing out, if i wasn't in the mood to go out i didn't, if i was too tired i didn't push myself, if i didn't feel comfortable in the situation i didn't put myself in it. i started to listen to myself, and my body, paying attention to what felt good and made me feel safe. i got into a routine of honoring myself and at times i felt lonely and i felt bad about not including other people in my routines but i did it for me, not for others.i had to show myself i was able to do things alone, to validate myself, to take up space. i had to explore the world alone and see it through fresh eyes, i had to see how much time i missed with myself and how much i truly enjoyed my own company.

i wouldn't say the journey to prioritizing myself was hard but i did feel the shift, and i do believe that once you feel the shift other people can feel that shift also, and sometimes they feel like because you are no longer over giving you are taking from them. 

the reality of it is i'm okay being the villain in somebody else's story if it makes me the main character in my own. what if collectively we all decided to center ourselves, to become our priority? we wouldn't feel overworked, or taken for granted, we wouldn't question ourselves by the way we get treated. we would simply enjoy not only ourselves but other people more, we'd notice the little things, and we'd see how people truly show up for us because we know its never granted. if we collectively decided to center ourselves we would simply stop centering other people's places in our lives. we would be free of the burdens and overthinking, we wouldn't lack. if my prioritizing self takes from you that should just be your call to recenter yourself. to see how you can care for yourself more. when you center yourself you're helping the relationships around you, you show up for other people authentically, and your cups are always full because you're pouring into yourself first your taking control over your life, what could be more empowering? stop letting the negative tone of those words stop you from being in that energy. don't hold back when it comes to you. be selfish about your life, be selfish with the way you use your energy and who and what you give it to. stay self-centered, and allow yourself to live your life the way you are called to do so, we only get one after all.